|Posted by gentlerecovery on February 16, 2010 at 6:42 AM|
"We are only as sick as our secrets." John Bradshaw
For years I kept the secrets....the secrets of everything that had happened. I thought it was my fault. I thought there was something wrong with me...that in some crazy way....I had caused it. Keeping the secrets left me covered in a blanket of shame. That shame coloured the way I saw things and forced me to move in the world as if I had no right to be part of it.
Shame cripples....it nags inside serving as a daily reminder that something is inherently wrong with who you are as a human being...a belief that is ingrained so tight telling you.....that in some way you’re different, wrong, damaged and unacceptable.
Secrets and shame feed into the each other. Holding onto secrets...holds onto shame.
It took me along time to tell what happened....I didn’t want anyone to know. I didn’t want to know. I had convinced myself it didn’t happen or it wasn’t so bad and somedays I even thought I had made it up.
When I began to tell.... the shame forced me to hide even more....I thought I wouldn’t be able to hold it together....that I would fall apart...but I didn’t. People were kind.....offering support...encouragement....gentleness. And something interesting started to happen...my walls began coming down. I didn’t feel so distant and lost....so far away from myself. I felt more connected to me....and to others. And my fight to always be on guard began to relax.
I've learned how important it is to tell and keep on telling...for no other reason than our own freedom...our own inner peace.