Gentle Recovery

Healing From Child Abuse & Rape

Healing Journey

Loyalty

Posted by gentlerecovery on April 26, 2010 at 1:46 PM



"The trust of the innocent is the liar's most useful tool." Stephen King


His hook were his words....gentle, soothing...claiming love. I overlooked his rage, the beatings, the name calling.  He told me he loved me.....he told me I was the only one who understood him.....he said he needed me. I was seven years old.


He poured out his heart...sharing things I didn't understand. And when he hurt me....using vulgar words or his fists....or locking me in the car for hours...I still believed he loved me....I didn't know any different and besides - he needed me. 


At eight....he beat me so bad I started cutting myself. I thought he was right - I believed I was worthless.  Nine...ten....eleven...at twelve I stole morphine trying to block out his rage and my fear....thirteen....fourteen I was shooting dope three and four times a day.

 

Loyalty.....I was loyal to him no matter what he did or how he treated me.  I tried to be what he wanted, to give him what I thought he needed. He spoke with kindness...tenderness but then in the same heart beat he turned like someone possessed and I became the object of his hatred.


Loyalty- I knew more about what he liked, what he wanted, what he needed than what I did. I didn't exist near him. I couldn't. He couldn't handle that....so I disappeared. I went away. I got lost. I lived in my own world...


Loyalty....the rapist demanded loyalty just like my father. He said he loved me....that I couldn't live without him....and that God wanted me to be with him. Like my father, he hurt me and wouldn't let me go. I managed to get free...but I wasn't really free. Not for a long time....Not until I had falled so far down....not until I almost died - not until I felt His touch....and He showed me the power and truth of loyalty....


I learned I had trusted in lies, in deception. To trust from my heart instead of my head was too hard.  I screamed at Him to kill me...to let me go...but He wouldn't. 

 

I needed to learn to be loyal to myself.  I struggled with knowing simple things....like my favorite color or food or tv program. I had a hard time staying present or letting anyone get close and I couldn't stop hurting myself. He waited....with patience...with gentleness.


Loyalty - It's powerful. It determines the direction of life. 

 

 

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7 Comments

Reply Donna Fawcett
5:30 PM on April 26, 2010 
Powerful stuff Nikki. Thank you.
Reply Donna Fawcett
5:30 PM on April 26, 2010 
Powerful stuff Nikki. Thank you.
Reply Cheri
7:54 PM on April 26, 2010 
Incredibly powerful! I am so happy you found God's loyalty, the loyalty that is stronger than any deception. I ran your book promo on the blog today: http://glasshouseministries.blogspot.com/2010/04/in-eye-of-decept
ion.html

Love you,
Cheri
Reply Karen
9:09 PM on April 27, 2010 
Amen....the loyalty of the Lord....nothing like it....the enemy tries to copy it to deceive and ultimately destroy...head loyalty as you wrote....heart loyalty from the Father....to never leave or forsake...
Reply Kimi Foley
11:03 PM on April 29, 2010 
This touches my heart when I read it. I showed my co-worker today and she had tears in her eyes. Its really touching. I am glad you found god's loyalty at last.
Reply MaryGrace
9:40 AM on July 14, 2010 
You have poignantly described how sociopaths and other criminals worm their ways into our hearts. I am so glad you have survived and are who you are. I, like you, have had to relearn what loyalty really means. Thanks to God and so many friends, I am healthier today -- and more aware of the power of loyalty. Thank you!
Reply Esther Joy
3:49 PM on May 22, 2011 
Abuse from my grandfather started when I was probably around 6 years old. I identified with many of the struggles you mentioned - knowing what I liked, letting people get close to me, and trouble making decisions for myself. Thank God for a patient and understanding husband who helped bring healing into my life!

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